Imagine a puddle waking up one morning and thinking, “This is an interesting world I find myself in — an interesting hole I find myself in — fits me rather neatly, doesn’t it? In fact it fits me staggeringly well, must have been made to have me in it!” This is such a powerful idea that as the sun rises in the sky and the air heats up and as, gradually, the puddle gets smaller and smaller, it’s still frantically hanging on to the notion that everything’s going to be alright, because this world was meant to have him in it, was built to have him in it; so the moment he disappears catches him rather by surprise. I think this may be something we need to be on the watch out for.

My IT department just replaced my workstation today. I had gotten so mad at it I threw it across my desk in anger, accidentally smashing it into my screen. No worries however as my documents are secure on Google Docs, and my desktop settings are saved to My Google Desktop Interface. It even remembered that I had that cute picture of poopsie as my background. However, IT is mad at me for breaking yet another workstation. I’m afraid this will be my last time at this place. No worries though, I can take my personal information to my next job. I won’t be able to take any company documents, but transferring all my information to my new job is simple, I’ll just transfer it from my @job.com Google Apps address to my @peon.com address.

Luckily however I can still access the same data from home on my own personal smart device, and stream it to my big TV with the built-in media software. If I want I can also make the screen bigger by tugging on the edges, and it expands to a full 7″ screen tablet.

I can’t believe we used to have to buy all that server equipment and hardware for all this stuff. I only wish we had the unlimited internet of back in the day. I may be getting 250Mbps, but with a 25GB cap I get hit with fees really quickly.

Being in IT, I know the typical shelf-life of an IT person is roughly 3 to 5 years. I’m going on year two already, and I still feel like I am acclimating to the environment here. I don’t know if I’ve ever had such a long acclimation period. However with newer faces coming in all the time I’m not sure ig anyone really ever does become acclimated to their workplace.

So I’m in Charleston, SC, and there are four of us in the class. Four. There is an older man who worked for the USO, there is a woman about late 40s early 50s who was working for I believe a library, and then there was this woman early- mid 20′s who worked in an Art Museum. I was kind of digging her look too. She was rocking a slightly tanned Tina Fey look that to be honest totally did it for me. Like I was really interested into getting to know her better and shit. The black glasses, messy hair look that really just drives me bonkers.

So the first day I arrived I am all like “I’M ALONE IN CHARLESTON, GOOD GOD WTF AM I GOING TO DO?” Anyone who knows me has heard from me a thousand times I try to avoid areas south of the Ohio River and the majority east of the Mississippi river (some western areas). So this really was smack dab in the heart of “don’t come here” country. So the first night I ordered a Quiznos sub, and had it delivered. Boo fucking hoo I felt miserable the TV was unwatchable and thank God I had my laptop. If it wasn’t for the laptop that night I’d have probably taken some sleeping pills and a good chug of Crown. (Also because anyone who knows me, knows I’m borderline Canadian.)

The next morning there is a shuttle van that takes students to the training center. This is my first day going to training so I get to meet the people I’ll be training with on the ride over. Since I’m an early riser while away from home I’m the first person to sit down on the bus. I see the old dude get on the shuttle, and then the woman with the glasses gets on the shuttle as well. On the ride over to training the shuttle driver mentions that he also takes visitors to downtown Charleston. Not wanting a repeat of last night I took him up on the offer. The woman with glasses also takes him up on his offer. “Sweet! this might be interesting!”

Training is over, and 6 PM rolls around, and shes already there waiting. I’m thinking “Perfect, I look cool in this instance, well as cool as someone who looks like me can look.” So I get on the shuttle, and being the shy little monkey tit I am stayed quiet until the shuttle driver broke the silence. He mentioned the history of the buildings we were passing, how the neighborhood we were going through had the highest murder rate in the country, stuff you wanted to hear about. This was the ice breaker I needed. I was able to get a conversation going. Lo and behold we’re able to converse and things are going great. So I got off the shuttle, and she followed me around Charleston for a little bit. We talked about some random stuff, and then separated.

Big. Fucking. Mistake.

I end up walking around Charleston, SC for about an hour or so and we bump into each other again. I ask her if she wanted to stop into a place, and she politely refused, but we started walking around again for a bit. Good Stuff. So it wasn’t sitting down and eating, but it was alright. Finally we got back to the shuttle at around 9PM and she was conversing with the driver. We talked and I politely asked “hey, maybe we can do this again” That is when Nagasaki happened.

“Oh My mom is coming into town, she’ll be driving me to training, so I can’t”

I was f7u12ing so God damn hard at that point I didn’t know what to think. The worst part was her talking about “being single so long she didn’t know if she’d ever find the one” the only thing I could think of was: “Perhaps bringing your mother everywhere isn’t the best idea”

The excerpt is between a man and a woman who are both exchanging comments on Facebook about the effects of the position of Earth relative to the sun. A woman exclaims that if the Earth moves a mere 10ft closer to the Sun, chaos would ensue. She follows this up with a proclamation that God himself is responsible for the position of the Earth, constantly keeping it from near certain disaster. Being that I grew up watching Bill Nye, I can attest that this is wrong, and I believe anyone who payed attention in science class can agree. The Earth not only moves in elliptical orbits, but that the distance of the Earth from the Sun changes much more than 10 ft. (Thank you, Johannes Kepler for finding that out back in 1609.)

Why this struck home to me is because I am sure I’m not alone with people who tend to not understand how things work. An example in my case involved a discussion about the position of the earth relative to the sun during the seasons. The person had argued that the Earth was farthest away from the Sun in the winter, and nearest in the summer. Of course the reality is that the Earth is closest to the Sun in the winter, and that the northern hemisphere is tilted away from the sun at this time, thus the northern hemisphere cools due to the angle at which the Sun’s radiation hits it.

The conversation abruptly ended: “You don’t know what you’re talking about! You think you do, but you don’t!” At this point I was saddened that I hadn’t brought my laptop, so I could load up an appropriate website, which had a wonderful illustration of how the seasons work. This would all have been well and good if I were in the 5th grade at the time. However, this encounter happened after college. Needless to say this holiday season, if you have even a smidgen of scientific knowledge, be prepared to defend it. Ignorance is at an all time high, and it’s affecting families across the nation.

Also: bring a laptop, and maybe a projector as well.

This morning I had to submit to an actual photograph (good lord!) of my face being taken. It should be noted I have no issues with this holy statue to humanity known as my face. Every morning I have no problem staring into my face how a 14 year old girl eyes Zac Effron in the newest Tiger Beat magazine. Shaving and brushing are not chores, but slivers of sunshine that enter into my soul. I’m amazed at the glorious way my face just sparkles! My face is my temple, and I take care of it accordingly.

However whenever a photograph is taken of my face it turns demonic. Whether it be the red eyes that still appear even after the blinding double flash of red eye reduction to the harsh shadows that fill those pores with the deepest hues of dread. I no longer have the glow and pure joy my face normally brings. I look like I killed the four horsemen and devoured their souls, when I am in a photo Satanists worship it in effigy, as they feel I am the harbinger of their worship.

I am two face, only my hideousness comes out in the faint glow of a flash bulb.

I found a good use for our old Macs.